It isn’t that stereotypical “sad and crying all the time” depressed that people without depression imagine. It’s that “emotional equivalent of watching paint dry” kind of depressed where you don’t enjoy all the things that you usually would and so you kind of just space out and go on autopilot through everything.
Doing volunteer work twice a week and exercising at the gym a few times a week had been making me really happy. It made me feel capable and like I was contributing something.
About a month ago my pain got worse and I had to take a hiatus from those activities. I was hoping I would only need to stop for a week, but it is taking longer. I am back in physical therapy and getting my joints realigned is going to make my pain worse before it can get better.
I guess it all just has me feeling despondent about the future and what kind of life I will lead if I never get to go to college or have a career due to my health. I know I will make things work no matter what, but I am feeling down about it anyways.
Probably also doesn’t help that I have my yearly Marfan Clinic heart check up coming up on March 7th. That’s the appointment where they take an echocardiogram of my heart and tell me whether or not my aorta has dilated further. So far, the past two years, it has stayed the same size; just slightly larger than normal. I take my meds and avoid lifting heavy things. However, I have been trying to be more active in the past year and I am nervous that it will have made my aorta enlarge. If it ever gets too large I will need open heart surgery. I have accepted that I might need that surgery someday. Doesn’t mean I am super stoked about it though.
I just want to get the appointment over with so that I will know how my heart is doing and if I need to change anything in regards to treatment.
So close to deleting this post before I even publish it because I hate how mopey it sounds. Only publishing the blog posts that end on an upbeat note would be censoring myself and painting an unrealistic portrait of what living with illness and disability is like; so it gets to be posted.